Think of the courtship process as a long road trip. You have a destination in mind, but you’ll also take the time needed to enjoy the journey. Along the way, you explore different routes, encounter unexpected detours, and learn valuable lessons. Similarly, courtship is a journey of discovery; an opportunity to learn more about yourself, your partner, and your shared aspirations. And just like a road trip, your destination of marriage will be all the more fulfilling because of the meaningful journey that led you there.
In this article, we’ll briefly discuss the four stages of Catholic courtship, their defining characteristics, and some suggestions to make the most out of your “trip.”
A. Friendship/Interest Development
Whereas secular culture looks down on the idea of being friends with a potential spouse (you don’t want to get “friend zoned,” after all), courtship recognizes and appreciates the value of getting to know someone as a friend before pursuing a more serious relationship. At this stage in your courtship journey, you’ll likely be spending time together in larger friend groups instead of one-on-one. If such dates do occur, they’ll be more casual, such as meeting for coffee. Exclusivity isn’t a concern at this point, as you could easily be friends with several people at the same time. It’s both proper and ethical for a man to pay attention to several women at the same time.
While still in the friendship phase, the man should, through informal measures, ascertain that progressing into the next stage would be mutually desirable. You should be looking for the following markers in your potential partner:
- Is the person committed to the Catholic faith and lives according to its teachings?
- Does this person have good character and maturity?
- Does this person possess enough virtue and morals?
- Do you have things in common besides your faith, such as aspirations in family life?
- Are you physically attracted to this person (not that it should be a top priority)?
The friendship stage shouldn’t last for very long; three months is generally considered an appropriate time limit. If you’re still not interested in pursuing an exclusive relationship at this point, you should be honest about it. A woman’s time is valuable and should be treated as such. Conversely, you should never press for exclusivity before the three-month mark.
The Friendship or Interest Development phase comes to an end whenever the man makes a formal approach to the woman and/or her parents with the intent of courtship. Remember, courtship is a journey. If you want to get to your destination, you’ll have to invest an appropriate amount of time to get there.
B. Courtship/Exclusive Relationship
Once you’ve gotten to know your partner as a friend and have formally expressed the desire to enter into an exclusive relationship or sought the approval of her parents to court her, you’ll have moved on to the second stage in your journey, which typically lasts anywhere from three to twelve months. At this point, exclusivity is key. Pause your online accounts and don’t reactivate them unless you and your partner decide that you’re not compatible for marriage.
This is also the time at which you’ll shift from group dates with friends to spending time with each others’ families. This is a very important step because when two people come together in matrimony, they don’t do so in isolation. In the Faith of Millions, Father O’Brien observed that “the tendency of young people to confide in no one about their engagement or courtship, and to keep the whole affair a secret until after marriage, closes the door to many helpful influences which would at least lessen the danger of an obviously unwise choice.” Furthermore, he states:
The young person considering marriage should consider the qualities of the mind and heart employ prudential judgment and listen to the voice of reason. Often listening to the advice of parents and sensible persons should be considered as their counsel could represent what a blind man could have pointed out that the ones with vision failed to see.
John O’Brien
The family cultures that have shaped you and your partner will play a big role in creating your new life together, so it’s of the utmost importance that you take the time to become acquainted with those people, cultures, and traditions before deciding to marry. Courtship, in a traditional sense, involves parental oversight, while allowing the man and the woman to develop their feelings and discern organically.
During this phase, one-on-one dates will also become more common, but both parties should be cautious when it comes to company-keeping. It should be conducted in a safe environment where spending time alone would not become an occasion of sin. Demonstrating physical affection (such as kissing, necking, and petting) at this phase is quite imprudent as feelings developed for one another that fail to culminate into a lasting union or marriage would prove to be emotionally painful, especially for the woman. Even simple touches can cause physiological reactions that promote the bonding process between couples. If you’re still not sure of whether or not you and your partner are compatible for marriage – that is, no engagement or betrothal has taken place – it would be irresponsible to communicate the contrary with your actions.
During this stage, practical discussions about raising children, financial situations, preferred living locations, and so on are to be discussed. The man has to work to strengthen their friendship and shared interests. It is important to demonstrate the qualities that make you a marriage-worthy man. For example, being willing to sacrifice for your partner and provide for her, being attentive to her needs and eager to meet them, and demonstrating the ability to deny yourself for her benefit. Consistently responding to her with empathy and care will go a long way toward fostering the kind of deep emotional bond that will encourage her to trust you without reservation.
C. Betrothal/Engagement
This phase begins with a formal promise of marriage. Once you’ve discerned and carefully evaluated your time together and made the decision to commit your lives to each other, you’ll need to approach your partner’s father to ask his permission to marry his daughter. Following his approval, you’ll be free to propose to your bride-to-be and continue on your journey to marriage. At this point, some couples will opt to complete a Solemn Rite of Betrothal, which is a contract in the traditional rite and involves making a series of promises to each other in the presence of a priest. Once completed, the betrothed couple is bound to enter into marriage at the set date, excepting a grave cause. This phase typically lasts between six months to one year. In some places, the Church can marry an engaged couple within three months, other places have a six-month to one-year benchmark.
During this stage, you’ll be preparing more intensely for marriage, likely by completing a pre-marriage course at your parish and spending time with your partner sorting out the practical details of your new life together. Here comes the planning for a wedding and all that comes with starting a future life. It’s an exciting time, so enjoy every minute, but be sure to keep your focus where it belongs – on God, your partner, and your relationship. This period also is full of trials and a test of one’s fidelity to Catholic morality, as well as values. It involves spiritual preparation and prayers. In short, the ethical and moral nature of a relationship between a young catholic man and woman during engagement or betrothal should be within the boundaries of Catholic teachings. It is usually at this phase that a lot of couples fall and become lapse into lust. Therefore, continency and self-denial – a control of the biological urges – should be paramount. More than anything, you’ll be practicing deferred gratification, the ability to sacrifice for the sake of the one you love. This phase concludes on the wedding day.
D. Marriage/Matrimony
Congratulations! At this stage, you’ve reached your destination: a holy and loving marriage built on God’s will for your lives. But this doesn’t mean your journey is over – far from it! Now is the time when you’ll truly settle into your shared life, getting to know each other even more deeply, finding your routine, and hopefully raising a family. The same qualities of self-sacrifice, attention, care, and provision that led you along the road of courtship will be instrumental in demonstrating your enduring commitment to your wife and family. Thankfully, after your journey, you’ve now got a lot of practice! This phase typically lasts forever, excepting the death of one’s spouse.
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